Halloween 2009!!

Halloween 2009!!

There are peculiar times in one's life where excess and hyperbole are expected and necessary. Examples include bachelor/bachelorette parties; Thanksgiving dinners and tailgate grills; sushi buffets; karaoke competitions; and swimwear selections for college spring-breakers.

Halloween is most definitely another one of those times.

This marvelous holiday has been as effectively commandeered by the adult community away from children as children have stolen Easter away from the devout as merely a chance for candy from notional pink bunnies laying chocolate eggs. Halloween for adults abounds with playful evilness, anonymity, late nights, and a prevailing sense of tempting and tawdry naughtiness - all wonderful moods to mix drinks to. Why liquor doesn't enjoy more prevalence in this holiday that has the Bible Belt reeling in horror is somewhat of a mystery. What pioneer of marketing is going to first annex All Hallow's Eve for their newest, sexiest spirit?

One thing is a certainty: this isn't a holiday for top-shelf, big-dollar, high-brow, noise-in-the-air spirits. Oh no! Give us your bold colors, your steamy double-entendre nicknames, and your exotic ingredients. Give us tastes that blast, bewilder, and barrage your taste buds. The classics are for another day - no self-respecting couple sporting costumes as Sex Kitten and Texas Chainsaw Murderer need worry about posing with a gin martini with an olive. Can Proof66 offer any recommendations for this most un-connoisseur of times? Yes we can.

These are some of those notable liquors that should be in ascendancy with the full moon, werewolves, late nights, and fangs. Here are some liquors we think you can take without shame to any festival of frightening freaks. Here, are the spirits of Halloween.

  • Great Lakes Distillery Seasonal Pumpkin Spirit. How autumnal is this seasonal spirit from GLD? Taking Milwaukee's own Lakefront Brewery and their seasonal pumpkin lager, GLD distills it down to this 90 proof(!!) pumpkin spirit - the only pumpkin spirit around that we're aware of. A few drinks from this orange marvel and you'll be having earnest conversations with your neighbor's jack-o-lantern out on the front porch.
  • Blavod Pure Black Vodka. This vodka is tailor-made for Halloween. First of all, as the title is indicates, it is a black vodka. What is more appropriate than a black liquor when you're sporting black cat costumes, black Dracula costumes, and black Darth Vader costumes among others? Even better, the spirit itself is a bloody, blood red from a tasteless herbal infusion (actually, a blackberry jam hue according to Wine Enthusiasts). This is extraordinarily convenient when you think about it. After a few drinks of this stuff, one is prone to spill. But what is normally a faux paus is on this day an added value. Spilling this drink on yourself (or others) has the effect of garnishing the costume with blood effects on behalf of the offended party. Did I spill on you, buddy? Don't worry... it's all good!
  • Bloody Oath Liqueur. Not to get too far away from Halloween bloody bloodness, there's this bloody oath liqueur. Made down in Australia where dressing up for Halloween means picking up a gun, dusting down your clothes, and calling yourself Mad Max, is an herbal infusion that creates a startling, scarlet red. Take a sip of this and, while you're necking with your date, let a little dribble out. Bam! Instant vampire! Your date will love it, we promise.
  • X Rated Fusion Liqueur. Oh yeah, baby! Are you one of those folks trying as hard as you can to sex up Halloween? Are you demure librarian 364 nights out of the year but Sex Kitten on this particular night? Then there's only one spirit for you. Show up to your most special of all parties with a bottle of this stuff. Sure, when you're out clubbing in Vegas it may look nice to sit at a VIP table with a bottle of effete vodka. Except on Halloween! On this night, you need a liqueur whose pink color will show up in black light with a giant X-Rated advertising on your behalf for all to see! Meeeeeeee-ow.
  • Crystal Head Vodka. From the man who gave us Ghostbusters (Dan Akroyd), you get this vodka that is literally poured from a grinning, ghoulish skull. This stuff should sell during Halloween like fake fangs and thong underwear. When you've polished off this bottle, you can drop a candle in it and decorate your lawn. Or carry it around and hold seances with it. Or hurl it at headless horsemen. The options really are limitless. This is the Halloween vodka.
  • Ivanabitch Vodka. Before leaving the vodkas behind, we would be remiss in not mentioning this vodka named in honor of those Russian damsels. Need a little something tawdry to go with your goings-on during this holiday? Or something more than a little tawdry? Let this vodka spell out exactly what you're looking for. No costume necessary.
  • Voodoo Tiki Tequila. These upscale tequilas have little graven images inside of the bottle writ with magic spells for everything from happiness to love. Finish the tequila, find your magic word, and go out on the night of the full moon, dodge the bats, and find your fortune. Nothing - and we mean nothing - could possibly be more offensive to Halloween protesters than to drink tequila on a holiday celebrating evil spirits straight from a bottle that is a sincere effort at breaking the first of the ten commandments (no graven images).
    • Adan y Eva Tequila. Another fine tequila for Halloween is that tequila that celebrates one of those costumes that enjoy timeless popularity: fig leaves. Are you daring enough to go out on the town as denizens of the Garden of Eden? If so, then there's only one tequila for you: the tequila that celebrates the body in all its holy purity. You will be an icon of innocence and chastity in an otherwise sea of iniquity. Best of all, the bottle itself is shaped like a fig leaf... so if you find yourself suddenly shy in the purity of your costume, the bottle doubles as an added bit of cover.
    • Alien Tequila. If Adam and Eve or skulls don't do it for you in the tequila world, maybe you should give aliens a try? These tequilas are in bottles that are actually shaped like the classic alien head. The kind of aliens that experiment on cows and humans alike. They stare at you out of that bottle with inscrutable intentions that, by the end of the night, may be giving you nightmares of abductions. Or, if you're into that kind of thing, maybe dreams you're anticipating with great delight.
    • Scorpion Mezcal. Not only is this stuff lauded by critics... there's a real scorpion in the bottle. You think that guy down there at the bar thinks he's all hot stuff because he's got some little dinky worm in his bottle? He so tough? He so cool? He going to get all the girls? Not when you come to that knife fight with a gun! Scorpions are scary; mezcal is scary; scorpions in mezcal? Terrifying!
    • Sirene Absinthe. Absinthe in general greatly lends itself to Halloween both for the mythology of the liqueur (it is said to cause hallucinations), the partial illegality of it (it was banned until very recently), its color (a brilliant green), and its association with green faeries. It gives rise to names like La Fee, Mythe, and a host of other interesting and half-pronounceable names. Get any absinthe and you're good but if you can find it, get the absinthe that goes all the way back to the original demon succubae - the sirens that tempted Odysseus on his mighty voyage. Imagine the diva posing archly as the beautiful demon temptress sipping green absinthe named for her and the terrifying yet alluring legend she created echoing down through the ages...
    • Troll Liqueurs. These spirits from Scandinavia are made in honor of trolls. Not those cute and cuddly trolls in the Hallmark store. And not Shrek. These are the hairy brutes with spiked clubs that strove with the Norse gods. Coming in huge colors and bigger flavors, drinking this stuff will set you apart from just about anyone and is far and away cooler than shooting something mild and mundane like Jagermeister.
    • Evil Monk Coffee Liqueur. Rasputin might be a bit of an obscure costume outside of world history majors on college campuses. Nonetheless, if there's one time that the term evil monk might gain some resonance and interest, it has got to be on Halloween. Even better, it claims to have more caffeine in the spirit than Red Bull. So you can drink this, be cool on Halloween, and get your caffeine. Way better than that vile, noxious Red Bull.
    • Death's Door Whiskey. Corpses and untimely deaths are all the rage on Halloween night, so why not celebrate the unfortunates with a whiskey celebrating the maritime disasters on the Great Lakes. Plus, this is un-aged whiskey. That is, this is moonshine. Legal moonshine but moonshine nonetheless. You want something kind of scary? Drink some of this.
    • Sailor Jerry Spiced Rum. There's any number of pirate rums out there: Captain Morgan, Captain Kidd, Corsair, Deadman, Rogue... a long list. Pirates and rum go hand-in-hand. Really, if you're in a pirate costume, you've gotta be drinking rum, you've gotta have a parrot on your shoulder, and you've gotta say arrrrrgh. Sailor Jerry, however, is what every pirate yearns for: just being a guy off a boat and on a beach and surrounded by young ladies in leis. That's what this rum is all about. Even better when you go out as a couple: a pirate and an island girl in wearing a lei.
    • Peat Monster Scotch. Now, this scotch isn't life-threatening. It's not titillating. It's not a strange color. It doesn't have a provocative bottle or picture. However, it does have peat. Lots of scotches have peat but this is the peat that spills fumes like it's the one true source of all peat that ever was and ever shall be. Committed scotch drinkers might get a whiff of this and go running away screaming in terror. Flowers will wilt when you uncork it and the aroma of your drink might set off fire alarms. Whatever your costume and whatever your plans, we hope you find the perfect spirit for your outing. Happy Halloween from Proof66.

    2009-10-26
    Published by Proof66.com